Irrelevance

Apologies for not posting on Sunday.. I didn't have much to talk about.

Anyway.. yeah I'm back. I've learned a lot since my hiatus. There's a lot to it but.. In short I learned to love my friends almost to death. I missed them deeply and I learned they did mean a lot to me and I would hate to see them leave my life. That's the gist of it though.. I won't embelish it.

Anyway what's with the title? A lot has happened since I've come back. Almost too much. Though I feel irrelevant, I know I'm not to my friends. I don't know why but since I've come back I feel like I've been lied to and betrayed so much by those I love. I haven't at all been betrayed. I don't know what's causing me to feel this way but it's tearing me apart and my friendships.

I feel irrelevant. No longer important. It brings back memories... when I was still friends with my Old Mate. If you all didn't know I had a crush on her and it ran deep. Everyday I felt useless.. pointless.. used. That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. I know I'm not but still. I can't help what I'm feeling. But.. if there's one thing I learned so far is that times have changed and I must adapt. The path I've been following on.. it's been so beautiful and it helped me so much but its golden days are over.. I have to change to my new environment and destroy my darkest shadows that to this day continue to haunt me.

It's a short post but... I have an exam today so I have to study.

With much love and glad to be back...

And Remembering to Smile..

Nob

The Ignorance That Could Have Been Bliss

Featuring our lovely friend, Koishi. (On relation to the picture, it was fucking hard to find a decent of fucking Koishi and Rumia that were in the same picture that did not involve one sleeping on another's head)

And no, sorry crim, I'm not talking about you.

For a long time, I noticed things about myself. Specifically.. I can sort of understand my own subconscious (Hi Koishi) or why I do things. God damn it.. knowing this shit should help me in life. It should prevent me from saying things I know I'll regret but.. God damn it. I let a lot of hints and shit out of my mouth that I don't mean to express but I know what it is. I've said things.. maybe curious and seemingly innocent things but I realise what I truly want out of it.. God damn it. Sometimes I wish I never heard of the concept of a unconscious because I more or less can interpret my own I think..

As an example... I use to act so.. weird and sexual before ("DICKS", "DICKS ON A TRAIN", etc) (At least.. I'm a bit different now) because well.. I'm wondering if I was obsessed with the idea of sex (Freud!) and wanted to talk about it deeply? I mean.. whenever people did play along I would start to act disgusted with the act. Of course I do this because they don't actually want to get sexual, they just want a good laugh and shit. But me.. my conscious tells me it's for the sake of thrills and laughs but my subconscious.. If I interpret this right it's because I don't want to be associated with a pervert and I must act like a true gentleman.. despite me wanting to talk about sex so says my unconscious. Seriously what? It tells me to get sexual and then back away before it's too late? Am I right I wonder... Am I spot on about my own instinctual motives...?

Sometimes.. I'm almost sure I am a prime example of Freud. I mean.. honestly? I repressed myself sexually to hell and for awhile now, I've always wondered... I don't know.. I know I'm putting myself in great risk and changing my relationships but.. fuck.. for the sake of science right? /sigh..

To everyone relevant.. I'm sorry.. really.. I'm sorry for expressing my sexual and perverted nature unconsciously. I'm almost sure this is the case... I'll try to improve my own control over my own mind and body because really.. that's all I can do.

Why did I make this post? I'm almost sure my unconscious today just.. acted out at someone. Who the person is though, I'll keep their identity a secret. But yeah.. simply...if I could right now.. I would tell them I'm so sorry.. Like the same to every one of you.

Fuck.

I'm so ashamed of myself right now....

But hey... again...

Remembering to Smile and begging all of you for forgiveness...

Nob

AWW YEAH. LAPTOP POST OF LIES.

Ahoy hoy. Posting from a shitty laptop running an outdated Ubuntu with only 30 min of laptop remaining! (Full battery too!) But yeah.. I'm going fucking insane without seeing anyone (Except Sam). Schools been.. more or less the same. I'm not working any harder nor any .. less harder. Had a German test today and I think I did good. Fucked up here and there but yeah.. These past few days... Sammantha has been the only one keeping me sane because texting her is great fun.

"MEOW! I'M A CAT SAMMANTHA"
"No."
"I'm a cat! Meow!"
"No you are a dale."
"Meow! I'm a cat sammantha!"
"ACKNWOLEDGE ME SAMMANTHA! MEOW!"

yep.. just mostly bothering her but I don't know.. it has made me appreciate having friends.. really.. A couple nights ago I remember having flashbacks to my childhood. (If you know me I really hate my childhood..) It was kind of shitty because it's like you spend your entire teenage life and adult life trying to forget this shit then BAM. Everything fucking comes back to you in one night and everything you tried to do is fucked forever. Fuck. But point is I had no close friends as a kid (Friends but none of them close) and this entire two week hiatus pretty much brings back bad memories.

It also pisses me off that I emailed a pretty important email to someone and they don't even have the fucking courtesy to respond.. or at least say something. You know who you are.

But yeah.. does this blog post from my laptop mean I'm saying fucking my hiatus? Not really. It's not like I can do anything on this piece of shit anyway. Regardless, I have to wake up early tomorrow (6 hours from now) to study for my exams which are coming up. So to wrap things up...

I miss you all and I hope to have happy hug time when I come back.

Also big fucking thanks to Sammantha. Seriously... you're keeping me alive here (No joke yo). SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER SEE HER TELL HER, "DALE SAYS THANKS" and she'll be like "I FUCKING KNOW. THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN TOLD TO ME LIKE 15 TIMES BY EVERYONE ELSE AND HIM" and then you'll be like, "YA WEENY" and then she'll be like "FUCK YOU" and she'll block you for long time and I'll be like awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwyeaaaaaaaaaah. (Seriously, boredom, loneliness, and being tired makes you do this shit.)

Anyway in all seriousness again, I miss you all and just one more week (kind of) until I get back. Though the day I get back the very next day I have an exam... lol. HILARITY SHALL ENSUE IN THIS BITCH. Anyway again..

Remember to Smile,

Nob

P.s. why does everyone call me by my first name Dale? JUST CALL ME BY MY WEB NAME, EGO. FUCK. Or Rumia if you're a touhou conninseur. Or Nob if you enjoy the sight of me being depressed but that's only if you're weird. I suppose people like calling me Dale because well.. how many Asian Dale's do you see walking around? And my name does rhyme (Regretably) with a lot of things. (I swear if I start seeing you assholes rhyming Dale and Fail Dale is going to get up in your bich and rape your dog so he can ship it to hong kong or some shit). I don't know. I like it but at the same time I don't. It's along the lines of, "Call me that only if you're a close friend or have known me for a long time, (Crim, Shmoo, Chat, Sam, Mike). Otherwise call me by my web name. Dicks.

One Last Post

What's with the image spam you say? They're all important to me in their own way. They have no specific order.. but I will explain them in a minute.

It feels like I'm about to die. I'm cutting myself off from the one last bit of euphoria I'm able to extract from life. My friends, my video games, my articles, my comics.. so on so forth. I don't know why I'm doing this fully but.. a lot has happened in this short amount of time. I've made a lot of new friends and I've.. changed a lot. For the better I think. I've come into a bit of a conflict over my identity though so.. hey.. let's get started with the main attraction about what I was going to write about.

My identity.

Let's begin with the alien maid, 3M is her name I believe. She sort of.. represented my time when I didn't know that much about the world. I was optimistic and haven't experienced much. Bright and hopeful, I adventured into the world with bright expectations. Man.. were they brought down. She was my avatar when I was The Alter Ego.

After some stupid names in between, I became DrStrangEgo. The identity most people know me by. The avatar Dr Strangelove represented me at this time because I loved the movie and I wanted to be just like Dr Strangelove. Though instead, I became a cynic and I was sarcastic to hell. I made fun of people (On a joking base of course) and was overall.. mean spirited. Though I did care for the people I abused though. I just had a fucked up way of showing it. I still had some hope in my future though and was overall.. content. Not great but content.

The plague doctor represents my old name, The Refined Facade. Though it didn't last long, it more or less represented my transition into becoming NobodyButNob. He was basically the fallout of my hopes dying horribly in one respect and some in another.

Shit happens and death does too. As everyone around me fell and when I began to do shit in university I became severely.. really severely depressed. I became NobodyButNob. The wing representing me feeling like I was in freefall. I was unhappy and I felt like I hit rock bottom and just wanted someone to pull me up with their wings. This stage more or less represents my suicidal tendancies and overall depression.

And now I'm here.. as PolskiRumia.While I'm still down there and unhappy.. You know.. I'm becoming better. The tendancies of NobodyButNob has worn off and some people helped me in ways I never expected them to. I'm at this stage now.. and well.. I'm becoming happier. But.. at the same time.. I've fallen into an identity crisis during this stage. The Alter Ego, DrStrangEgo, and NobodyButNob. They all had a clear identity. That was me. PolskiRumia.. PolskiRumia.. who are you..? She.. isn't me I think. She's an identity I've created. I'm.. not her. I don't act like her at all in rl...  I mean.. jesus... I've become pathetic in some ways I think by creating this character.. I mean.. I'm acting in ways now that I would have never. I feel like.. I'm constantly rping as her. Wearing another facade.... I don't know.. maybe we'll become one one day and we'll be united. Maybe I'll become a very social person in rl and hug people constantly like I do now.. Maybe.. I don't know.

Before leaving... I made my avatar Dr Strangelove again. A big part of me would want to return to being him again since I've grown so use to being DrStrangEgo and that's who I was known by by most of you. Plus it was the purest form of me being me. But.. I can't return. Like all things, everything must come to an end.. Much like a chapter, or an era, or a dynasty, I don't care. Me leaving is an end to a chapter of my life. Who I will return as is a mystery to everyone and me. Maybe I'll re emerge as DrStrangEgo.. maybe as NobodyButNob.. or maybe I'll stay as PolskiRumia. Only time will tell.

I'm sorry about the bad writing this time around but I'm really tired and it's 6:30am right now... But.. hey... if you managed to read this far.. simply thanks for hearing me out.

Remembering to smile for one last time,

Nob.

The Long March

Evening viewers, another entry.

If I haven't told you already, I'll tell you now. Starting Sunday I don't plan to go on the computer for 2 weeks so I'll be MIA for awhile. Hopefully we can play some vidyagames before then. Why you ask? It's sort of a bet with my father and me wanting to see my steam rating go to 0. He wanted to see if I could last a day without my computer and I just thought, "That's easy. You know what? I haven't seen my Steam rating be 0 in a long time so let's do 2 weeks!" Regardless it proves to my dad I'm not addicted (Though I'm sure I am) to the computer. I'll probably post one last entry on Saturday before leaving and how I feel.

In other news, I think I want to take some violin lessons. I don't really know why but I'm almost sure it has something to do with Touhou. Seriously, the music in it is wonderful. Though I'm almost sure I'm too old to actually become really good at it, it could be a hobby you know? 'Sides, it's a life skill. Maybe it could save my life or woo some damsel right? Heh.

In response to Rio, tbh I never thought my blog would be that popular. While I'm almost sure it's not as popular as Crim's, really I only expected like 3 readers. And here I am sitting with about..50 views in one week? I don't know if that is someone constantly checking my blog or whatever but yeah. I don't know, I think a lot of my viewership comes from me being quiet about how I feel about things and mostly never displaying my opinion (I'm almost certain this is true). But in all honesty, I couldn't say why. Misery loves company I suppose? Heh.

How do I feel right now? I'm okay. Only okay though. Status quo I guess you could say. I'm past my happy point and back into my normal depressive self but as said, I'm okay. I'm alive. My exams are coming soon so the 2 week bs will be useful. Unless I spend my suddenly extra free time just sleeping, then I'm in trouble. My insomnia is also working again.  A fun fact about me. I have insomnia because I'm afraid to go to bed. Odd yeah but... hey. I'm afraid because of my dreams.. and just seeing the next day is hard in itself. I'm constantly worried about my future and the nightmares are horrid. I don't know.. I'll be sleepy as hell tomorrow and I have to stay for awhile after school to go to my Math Club.. or maybe I'll skip it tomorrow.. I don't know. I just have a craving for sushi atm. Seriously, that's probably going to be my new addiction or something ughh. AND THEN WHEN I COME BACK TO THE COMPUTER, IT'LL BE SUSHI AND COMPUTER TIME. FUN.

Anyway... that's pretty much it..  I hope I get to play some vidya games with you people soon and until then, see ya Saturday. (Also it's fucking cold in Manitoba atm. Ugh. Seriously we get like the coldest winters and one of the hottest summers in Canda. +35's and -35's... OH YEAAAAAAAH).

Remembering to smile,

Nob.

Bright and Unusual

I've been thinking again (Christ I've been posting a lot). As of recent I've had more dosages of euphoria and.. I don't know. I noticed more closely my appreciation for my friends. Online of course. (I don't have anymore in rl really. Being a loner somehow runs in my family.)

Just thanks. (And yeah I'm totally plagiarizing but fuck it) You're probably the closest thing to a family I have right now. Though I don't really have much to live for anymore, I'm happy right now to be around you people. Even if we don't talk, it's still nice just to see your DP on my friends list.

Though personally, I find this post somewhat strange. /shrug/ Perhaps it's the acceptance phase of my really... really long cycle of grief. Though I think I've already hit this stage plenty of times. Speaking of which there's a nice coating of snow outside. Really fucking cold but... hey. I love winter. I even love shoveling snow. I love everything about winter.. it's peaceful.

Though there's not much to update in my life right now, again, this is just a thanks to my friends.

Remembering to Smile,

Nob

Collecting the Pieces of my Sanity

Hi again. I'm really tired and I need some sleep but I felt like talking to you again. I don't know why I keep coming back to you. Maybe it's because you're the only one willing to listen and it's the only time when I can take my mask off and let everything out. I don't see much point to living anymore I'm still sticking to that yeah but... I don't know... how did I ever reach that conclusion? I'm having second thoughts because I'm scared.

I am scared.

I'm scared of lots of things... death being one of them though I hate admitting that.

I think I reached that conclusion simply because I just don't get enough euphoria from the things I found enjoyment in anymore and I'm deathly afraid of failing. I don't know... I feel like I can't talk to anyone but you. I think I'll mimic Crim's family thing because I'm sure you are dying to know how I feel about you and everyone else and I don't really have much to say. Really, I just felt like talking to someone but no one else was around.

Let's start with my dad. My dad is a great guy... really he is... but I don't know... he's sort of the one who implemented the deathly fear of failing sort of thing... that's good I suppose but... I don't know.. I take after him quite a bit. Even in looks and voice apparently. Heh.

Mother is a fun person. A bit too caring though. She constantly worries about everything and she isn't the smartest but... you know at least she cares. A loving mother is what everyone wants right...? Right...?

Sister is a bit stupid at times too but you know she's nice person to be around in the end. Though I'm not always nice to her I do care about her even when I don't show it. Even when we get into fights you know, I'm still somewhat caring.

'Brother'... an asshole.

Now time for the people you were all awaiting for..

Crim... well you're a great person.... you've done a lot for me and I thank you for that. You really are my best friend in the end though (And please don't take offense) that makes me sad. It really does say a lot since I don't have anymore friends in real life. Nobody but me, Nob. Nobody I can relate to... etc etc... I remember that one time I actually liked you. How young was I? Man I was foolish but even then you know, if you asked me now I would say "Fuck yeah I love you ya fucking cunt!" Heh. A lot has changed since then and I think our friendship has matured quite a bit. What has that matured to though..? I.. I... don't know.. I don't know what to actually consider you anymore. I mean I don't love you and I do see you as an older sister but... I don't know.. we just.. never talk anymore. I mean whenever we talk it's just stupid small talk. Oh hey look at this link or hey let's play this game (But even then that rarely happens anymore) and it's just.. I don't know.... It's weird really. I feel like we've grown apart but at the same time we've grown closer... I don't know.. I think it's because even to this day, I don't know much about you yet you know so much.. a lot... too much maybe even about me. I.. what am I to you? What are you to me..? I can't even answer that anymore. I don't know what you are to me. What the fuck are you you robotic piece of shit? What are you? Why..?


Shmoopy.. god you know you remind me of snoopy.. Sometimes you irritate me to no end and sometimes you bring me a lot of joy where it is rarely found. What an odd relationship I must say but I don't know. Really I'm sorry for worrying you a fuckload... and I'm sorry.. I know I've done a lot of bad things to you. I know that. I don't have an excuse really. You're a great guy really... you know that? I don't know... I'm just.. sorry.

Hi Sam, how are you? God damned you know you act really childish at times... but that's cute of you. Usually I hate kids but you? Well I wouldn't say I can't get enough of you since that'd be a fucking lie. Infact sometimes I just get fucking irritated as hell with you since you can't shut up. But that's part of your charm really I think. I don't know why I like you, I just do. You're a nice person and that's that. You worry too much too at times lol.

Chattikus. Sup? I still remember you as IDontChat. The guy who fucking refused to do medieval rp's and only did futuristic ones in starcraft. At first I thought you were a punkass kid but you know I found your charm. And I grew to love it. You really are a one of a kind person. Don't fucking change you fagt because I fucking love you.

Hi Michael.... I wonder if you read this..? Regardless hi. I... you know you're a good guy really... I mean you were really stupid at first when I met you but you know, you've grown and matured. I know we don't talk as much as we use to but.. just know that I'm hoping one day we'll talk again and become good friends again.. and fucking play civilization 5 again because it's just sitting on my steam games rotting.

Hi Kira. I.. I feel like I've used you.. used you a lot.. I'm sorry about that... I'm.. honestly sorry.... You know you were the first pubber I never really introduced to my other friends. You're a great guy. I actually look at you like a little brother sometimes since I feel like you've crossed my path and I've crossed yours so many times. I just hope you don't follow my same path.. you're also a smart guy. I mean you're a shitty writer but you know, people with an interest in this world is hard to come by and I'm thankful for meeting you. You're a great guy again, keep improving.

And last but definitely not least and I'm almost sure he doesn't read my blog...

Snake. Hi. How are you? I.. I don't know. I'm still fucking cautious around you. I know we're both on eachothers friends list but.. IDFK. I know I'm the one who's keeping us apart but I'm still fucking bleh as hell. I don't think our relationship will ever be restored honestly. And yes I know that's because of me. Honestly I don't know, I don't see much point in having you on my friends list. It's not like we ever talk or play games anymore so... yeah. Speaking of what was just said WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON MY FRIENDS LIST RIO? (No not you Ryou. You're not Mexican)

And now onto real life people but we all know there's only one person that's actually noteworthy.

You Audrey. Hi... do you even read my blog? Sometimes I think you do sometimes I think you don't. I don't know... I know I re-added you and shit but... I mean I don't know.. I don't even know if I enjoy talking to you anymore... I mean sure I'm the one who always starts up conversations but.. I don't even know what I'm doing.. At times I'm sort of.. bleh around you and want to sort of see you in real life again but at other times I just want to fucking get as far away as possible from you. Honestly.. I think I should be apologising to you. I readded you since I was doing it for my own selfish reasons. I just wanted someone to talk to.. an extra voice.. I didn't really see you as a human when I readded you. I just.. I don't know actually.. That might not be completely true.. a million emotions went through my brain when I readded you. I.. I don't know.. At the moment I'm actually hoping that we'll never talk again but we both know that to be completely untrue and that won't happen. I.. I don't know what I want to do with you. I don't have anything to do with you I suppose... What do you think of me being on your friends list? Am I helping you? Why am I here?

And that's it... I don't have much else to say... thanks for listening to me.. it's great to have someone to talk to... always...

Remembering to smile,

Nob

A Rat Race For Euphoria

Evening everyone. I'm sure everyone enjoyed my previous post.

Anyway on to my life. I'm severely depressed as usual. I'm actually at the point where I pretty much don't want to live anymore. Actually I am at that point. I don't see much point in living anymore. It feels pointless. Everyone's alive for one single fucking reason. Euphoria. Whether that's through fucking eating, caring for others, or maiming them it's always that reason. Euphoria. I'm sick of being addicted to the shit. I don't want to fucking be a part of this shit anymore. This up and down bullshit on the euphoria curve. I don't want to be happy anymore and I don't want to be sad. It's just the same shit over and over. I was thinking at school today, maybe I'll just join the navy or army. Or Canadian air force. I don't know. Something that gets me out there and helps me die or something. I don't believe in Canada but I just don't care anymore whether I'm oppressing others or liberating them. I'm just hoping someone kills me out there so I don't have to come back to this same bullshit routine. At least if I die while on my tour of duty, I'll get a fuckload of dosh and send it back to my family and maybe Crim if she's willing like the stupid unwilling faggot she is. I heard you get $100 000 for actually agreeing to be sent so yay. It'll solve everyones financial problems and I don't have to be a part of this life anymore and I don't have to be remembered as a failure.

Everyone wins.

Remember to smile,

Nob

I fucked up forever.

Intermediate Calculus. I never did much work for it. I never did work for it actually until the very last minute. Only a couple hours before my exam and you know what? I dropped it. I quit. I know I'm going to fail because I never worked hard for that fucking course. And math is my fucking major you know that? I fucked up. I'm a failure. I never knew how to fucking work hard. I only know that I have a talent for math but I don't know how to fucking work. That's the fucking problem. That has always been my problem. I never knew how to work. Never ever. God I'm in tears right now. I fucked up forever. There's always next year I know but fuck.... I don't know how to work... I don't know how to restrain myself. I don't know how to just stop and actually start studying.... I.. I don't know... I want to blame it on my voices, I want to blame my parents, I want the blame to be on something that is not me. I know it's all my fault. I'm such a fucking failure. I don't know what to do.. actually I've been telling that to myself forever... I know what to do but I don't know how to do it..... I want someone to help me but nobody can. It's my own problem and I have to help myself.. oh my god someone help me.... For so long I've taken it easy and everything has worked out for the better. I hardly studied for my Calculus 2 exam and I got a B+ in the course... .someone help me... I want to do good but I don't know how to start my road... someone help me... oh my god help me.... help me help me help me..... help.... someone... someone answer my call... why... why...... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

can anybody hear me? I can't hear myself. I don't know how to hear. SOMEONE HELP ME HELP ME. SOMEONE STOP ME. I CAN'T TAKE THIS KNIFE AWAY FROM MY THROAT. I CAN'T STOP IT CUTTING MY THROAT. IT WON'T STOP. I CAN'T STOP. HELP ME.

oh my god someone help me...

help me....

help me....

help me........................................................

One last post. I swear.

Who the fuck is actually coming to this page?

There's 35 visits from the USA (Which fine, I can understand).

26 visits from Canada (I expected higher since I am Canadian but whatever, sure)

7 visits from... Russia? (I don't know any Russians?!)

1 visit from Germany? (I like Germany and I plan to move there but... who the fuck? And I doubt very much it's Rio..)

And where it's coming from is just... fucked up altogether.

http://pu.gg                                                       4

http://steamcommunity.com/id/DrStrangEgo       4

http://bllog.tk                                                    3

http://www.rt-blogsearch.info                            1

 It should only be coming from one place only. What the fuck are these things? Who would click on MY blog? Is me being emo honestly hilarious for everyone? Including Russians? I mean logically, sure whatever, it's just a couple of random clicks but ffs. I don't know. I'm in a tired and shitty mood. I'm just rambling now.

Remembering to Smile,

Nob.

Part 2 because I forgot I wanted to add something.

Sorry but anyway,

You know, I'm sort of use to being alone. It's a cold comfort despite being depressing but regardless, I feel like there's so much drama in my life and that's happening to everyone I care about, I feel like I'm slowly morphing into a faliure, the world is shit and there's nothing I can do about it, I'm alone in the world and there's little to no relatable people that wants anything to do with me... it just makes me want to say, "Fuck it. Fuck everyone. I'm gone. Good day." I'm not talking about killing myself, I don't feel like I need to do that. I'm not talking about murdering everyone I fucking see because they piss me off, no. I'm talking about being truly alone. Being in a place where I am myself and I am with my own thoughts. There is no one else like me out there so fuck everyone, I don't want to trouble or bother anyone else and I don't want them to bother me so just leave me the fuck alone. I don't need to be a part of this bullshit planet/community/society/race anymore.

I don't think I could survive that long though, alone. The last tid bits of euphoria I still get is from my friends.... It's a suicidal dream you could say. The extremist part of me. But it's a part of me that still dreams nonetheless. Something that is rare in me nowadays.

What about you? Do you still have dreams? Comment and tell me (You don't have to say what it is). It would be nice and it's nice to see some people still have optimism/have a goal/ still have a hope/still have a dream in this world.

Remember to smile too!

Nob

Voices, Identity, and Events

Evening friends, welcome to another post.

So I've decided to humanize my dark side (Everything that makes me sad). I think I'll name it Dread. Anyway, I've been severely depressed as of recent. Not that I've shown it but regardless, hey. Why? Let's dive right in.

First off my dark side has a voice of its own. It whispers into my conscious. Constantly. Everyday of every week of every hour. It ravages my mind with grief. I'm not talking about schizophrenic voices but I like to think of it as such. It's torturous more or less. It reminds me of why everything is sheiss and fills my mind with doubt, uncertainty, and how ill-equipped I am if I were to face a tragedy. In short, it makes me feel weak. I like to think I'm strong mentally but regardless, my walls have been wearing thin. I feel like I'm going to crack at any minute and just have a mental breakdown.

I'm not happy with my life at the moment. I don't like where it is. My identity is in conflict with itself. Who are my friends? Who can I trust? What am I and what am I going to be? I've always questioned who are my friends but as of recent it feels like I have none. Why? Awhile back around when I was going to leave my old mate so I could go derp, someone introduced me to someone else. That someone else seemed nice. We talked a lot. I listened to her bitch and moan. Etc etc. To cut a medium length story short, I discovered a concept. The concept of dolling. What is this you may ask? It's when a subject such as me is there to be a doll for another person. The doll being a person who is simply used. To smile and maybe have its string pulled so it talks back. It's not considered a person or a friend. Simply an object to be used. While I have deduced many people to dolling me, I also recognize I've done it too. Though I hate myself to hell for it. Regardless point is, who are the doll masters among my 'friends' and who are the dolls? Are there any people in my group actually doing that? I think so. Then again I'm depressed and I have a biased opinion right now so go figure. Regardless, I've been dolled so many times it's just tearing me apart. Fuck sakes.

Another part of my identity problem. I don't see myself as an individual. I usually see myself as part of something... bigger. I see things on a macro level rather than micro level. But I've constantly asked myself. Where does my piece fit in? Locally, nowhere. So I've donned my mask and facade. Prancing about happy happy joy joy. Nothings fucking wrong at all. I don't discuss my problems because I know from fucking experience no one enjoys fucking hearing others bitch. I guess I'm a self proving point though. I am a doll because I render myself to be one. I simply don my mask and pretend to be happy and jolly. Nothings wrong at all. Fuck. Underneath my facade of joy and childishness lies a broken man. No where to run and no where to go. No one to talk to and truly alone. But that's okay right? At least no one can see the tears that stream behind my mask. As long as I pretend to be happy, everyone else will be. I won't bring anyone's day down. No sir I will not. Everyone will be happy happy because I swear to god if no one else is happy then I will god damned make them happy because when shit turns as black as my day, it'll be the fucking end of me.

I don't think I've shown my true self to anyone really. I've taken off parts of my mask sure, but I don't think anyone has seen what my face truly looks like. I too am unfamilliar with my face. It's been so long since I last unmasked myself. It's almost become my face. But regardless, I can feel the difference between me and my mask though. There's still that gap that separates my childish innocence with my darker side. Only two people have really seen the majority of what's under my mask, but I couldn't say who has seen more. Both people have seen different parts of me that the other has not.

Some commentary now on what has recently happened to me.

So I've added some faggots named Yukarin and Reimu Hakurei. They both seem like pretty cool dudes. They both seem to be pretty awesome in their own respect too. I wonder what's under their mask? As they would know though from first hand experience, I'm not good at all at meeting new people. I'm like mentally retarded in that district.

Me: Hi Reimu
Reimu: Hi
Me: ...uh... (Sweats) GIVE ME HALF OF YOUR SOUL.
Reimu: no
Me: Oh okay.. that's cool.

Anyway though I simply hope to get to know these two better. They seem interesting and they don't irritate me. (If your voice or the way you act irritates me expect me to treat you like a child.)

I've been getting sick as of recent. Not like pukey sense but stomach sense. I think I like contracted Crim's disease off the internet somehow. But somehow I'm getting the reverse effect of it (You can go figure it out yourself).

So I've talked to my old mate via yahoo a couple times (THAT EXACT AMOUNT). As you would have probably figured, it's definitely not the same. It's.. .weird. I re-added her because I thought I could somehow attain some old comfort because it's familliar. Definitely not... it just sort of feels.. awkward. I mean I think we talk like how we did back in the day but it feels so hollow. Like before I talked with pieces of my mask off but now it's just. Well it's completely on. I refuse to show a single piece of my face with her. I don't even think she knows anything that's happening in my personal life. At all. Like zero. I mean sure it's expected but it sort of.. saddens me. Here's someone who knows so many secrets of me yet I cannot bring myself back to feeling that same old trust we had before. You could say that it's natural because I feel like she betrayed that trust but you'd only be half right. A large part of me hates her for what happened but at the same time the majority of me blames myself. This isn't helped by my identity crisis. I don't know.. I just.. I feel like I have no one I can trust or relate to anymore without being used (Or me using them).

Truly feeling alone

But...

Remembering to Smile.   :)

Nob.

P.S. And a second picture because this post was dreadfully long.

On Betraying Those That Trust You. (And a bit more!)

This isn't aimed at anyone in particular. It's just how I feel on the subject when I do it.

I've betrayed (I feel) enough people in my lifetime.. yet I continue to hurt people. I'm a bit deprived of sleep at the moment so you know, bare with me.

I find some joy in it.

Odd..

Rest assured I dislike doing it but there's just some.. charm to it. I blame the media for making me romanticize the subject but it's strange really. I think I usually see the world through a camera. Much akin to Shakespeares 'All the world is a stage and the people in it are its players....' It just adds.. spice to life. Some.. moment to it. Like you're actually living life rather than letting it drift by. I mean I still try to avoid betraying people because its long term effects still fuck over its short term effects.

A lot of my 'sayings' and quotes are usually the result of me actually feeling that way. One of my older quotes was, "You're only sorry because you got caught.". That was sometimes the case for me. I didn't particularly care for the other parties goals, I just wanted to further my own. Isn't that humanity in general though? We all just want to further our own goals for our next dose of euphoria whether it's at the cost of another or not.

Anyway aside from betraying people, in regards to the pictures I've been posting I've decided that it's just going to be Rumia from now on mostly because her life is more or less the one I want/live through. You can find out for yourself what I mean by that.

Good day and let's not forget...

Remember to Smile my chaps.

The Idea of Hopelessness

I've lost a lot of my once bright hope. Feels like everybody is dying around me. Once good people dying out and fading away. You know the good stuff.

Myself? Well, I know I can become a great mathematician but- oh ooo butterfly...

That.

Easily distracted. Apathy. I'm not happy. I'm working towards a goal so I can escape this world into a world full of.. formulas and bs. Something that is not familliar. But what's the point? It doesn't make me as happy as say video games with friends. Or talking with friends. I mean I don't want to help a society I don't support nor have any faith in (In its future). I suppose moving into another country would help (which I plan to do) but I don't know.. I just doubt it would work out the way I want it to.

I guess that's it then. I mostly don't belong and the people who I can relate to are mostly fading away because in some sense we're all considered monsters I think. I think that's alright though. It's somewhat comforting that all monsters will die and society won't have to deal with its degenerates.

We're all living in a dream world aren't we? Just trying to buy some euphoria before it all comes crashing down. Before reality comes and smashes your face with its sledgehammer. Before we all pass away though, let's have one more indulgence of euphoria shall we my friends? To all the good times we had. To all the simple quirks that made us laugh. To all the simple things that we enjoy. To all the time we have shared. To simply just meeting eachother and facing this shit together. Breathe deeply, because it might be our last.

And remember to smile.

So. Hey Again. I lied.

Smile with me will you? Awhile back I contacted my old mate for the name of a visual novel because I was overdosing on some chemical. Two things:

1)I got my visual novel name so I'm happy about that.
2)She hasn't moved on and her life isn't so great apparently.

Huh. Funny. If anything I thought she would've moved on quicker than me. She's exposed to a lot more bad shit than me so you'd figure she would deal with me leaving juuuust fine. Guess not. While I'm betting her life being shitty is more or less not the result of me leaving, I can't help but rejoice a little. Makes me feel important I suppose. Sure it's in an assholeish way but you know. Can't help what I feel.

Personally I have more or less moved on if you catch my drift. In one sense I'm happy being alone. No one to bother me and I have no one to bother. I'm use to that and it's comforting. In another sense I yearn for a group or at least someone I can relate to (IN REAL LIFE). And another part of that is whenever I tried to hit on other girls because "What the fuck right?", I always seemed to measure them on the OldMate Scale. So I think that tells you how much I moved on. Because I don't really know how much it says. I don't really know what my measurements are. How well I got along with them or how similar they are to her? You tell me because fuck if I know.

I probably should've listened to all the advice I received. "Don't contact her, it's over.", "You have to move on and just never contact her again.", "Don't apologize for that bs you pulled when you last saw her ("I'll probably never see you again.")" but know what? I'm an idiot. 'Sides, all my life as the youngest of three I learned by watching other people make mistakes. Never really made my own so WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT?

Anyway on brighter news from the depressed-o-station, I'm figuring out hard math problems. Fun.

Remember to smile now.

-Nob.

AH SHIT. A BLOG.

Why? I don't know. Felt like it while procrastinating.

Anyway a little insight into my life.

I'm going insane. I'm not going to beg you to believe me but I'll be honest on what is going on with my life. Awhile back while I was eating dinner I began to think. Went deeeeeeep into my thoughts on what happens after death and just tried to 'feel' it in a way. Then it came. Death. Honest to god I felt it and I did not like it. It sort of went down from there.

My life as of the past month has been full of deathly scares from there. My dad going to the hospital, my grandma going to the hospital, my sister's rabbit dying. You know. I'm not superstitious but god damned, that is a bit unnerving.

Oh but the fun does not stop during me being conscious. Oh no my dreams have been haunting me with all my insecurities and my frights. Phobia's and me being unable to escape? Check. Can't find someone who isn't remotely interesting? Check. You know so on so forth. A bit maddening.

University is also fun. It's also especially fun when you're attempting to teach yourself the course because the prof can't teach worth his life. AND THEN THE TEXTBOOK TURNS OUT TO BE FULL OF SHITTY QUALITY. Fun. But hey at least the internet saves the day.

Apart from all the drama in my life I've been trying to turn my social life back into a functioning one. It's sort of working out. I've been tutoring my friend on Calculus 1, joined a math club to make friends and dick around, and I'm hanging out with my old high school friends. It's okay.. It's working out. I'm not the happiest camper in real life but you know I'm getting by.

Internet life is sort of.. dead. I still come on Saturday's to catch up and have fun. It's usually filled with fun and I have a good time. I wish I wasn't constantly pestered every week about my absence though (You know who you are) because seriously it pisses me off.

I'm not looking forward to the future. Specifically Winter. My brother comes back and I'm going to have to deal with his constant far right winged bs. It doesn't help that we got into a fucking fight the first day I arrived in Toronto in the summer because he's having some breakdown. So great fun ahead. I hope that he dies before he actually makes it here because the world would do better without him. But the world sucks and he'll probably make it and act like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED. But whatever right? He's an asshole and I'll have to deal with it because he's 'family'.

As of recent, I've been looking at my past. Full of crap that I regret. I regret that so much I mostly forced myself to forget my childhood. Whenever I look into my own past I just feel pain and anger. Only things I see with a longing nostalgic lens is just old TV Shows and Video Games.

I hope that my depressing blog has brightened your day because my misery tends to cause euphoria somehow. Remember to smile.