So I've decided to humanize my dark side (Everything that makes me sad). I think I'll name it Dread. Anyway, I've been severely depressed as of recent. Not that I've shown it but regardless, hey. Why? Let's dive right in.
First off my dark side has a voice of its own. It whispers into my conscious. Constantly. Everyday of every week of every hour. It ravages my mind with grief. I'm not talking about schizophrenic voices but I like to think of it as such. It's torturous more or less. It reminds me of why everything is sheiss and fills my mind with doubt, uncertainty, and how ill-equipped I am if I were to face a tragedy. In short, it makes me feel weak. I like to think I'm strong mentally but regardless, my walls have been wearing thin. I feel like I'm going to crack at any minute and just have a mental breakdown.
I'm not happy with my life at the moment. I don't like where it is. My identity is in conflict with itself. Who are my friends? Who can I trust? What am I and what am I going to be? I've always questioned who are my friends but as of recent it feels like I have none. Why? Awhile back around when I was going to leave my old mate so I could go derp, someone introduced me to someone else. That someone else seemed nice. We talked a lot. I listened to her bitch and moan. Etc etc. To cut a medium length story short, I discovered a concept. The concept of dolling. What is this you may ask? It's when a subject such as me is there to be a doll for another person. The doll being a person who is simply used. To smile and maybe have its string pulled so it talks back. It's not considered a person or a friend. Simply an object to be used. While I have deduced many people to dolling me, I also recognize I've done it too. Though I hate myself to hell for it. Regardless point is, who are the doll masters among my 'friends' and who are the dolls? Are there any people in my group actually doing that? I think so. Then again I'm depressed and I have a biased opinion right now so go figure. Regardless, I've been dolled so many times it's just tearing me apart. Fuck sakes.
Another part of my identity problem. I don't see myself as an individual. I usually see myself as part of something... bigger. I see things on a macro level rather than micro level. But I've constantly asked myself. Where does my piece fit in? Locally, nowhere. So I've donned my mask and facade. Prancing about happy happy joy joy. Nothings fucking wrong at all. I don't discuss my problems because I know from fucking experience no one enjoys fucking hearing others bitch. I guess I'm a self proving point though. I am a doll because I render myself to be one. I simply don my mask and pretend to be happy and jolly. Nothings wrong at all. Fuck. Underneath my facade of joy and childishness lies a broken man. No where to run and no where to go. No one to talk to and truly alone. But that's okay right? At least no one can see the tears that stream behind my mask. As long as I pretend to be happy, everyone else will be. I won't bring anyone's day down. No sir I will not. Everyone will be happy happy because I swear to god if no one else is happy then I will god damned make them happy because when shit turns as black as my day, it'll be the fucking end of me.
I don't think I've shown my true self to anyone really. I've taken off parts of my mask sure, but I don't think anyone has seen what my face truly looks like. I too am unfamilliar with my face. It's been so long since I last unmasked myself. It's almost become my face. But regardless, I can feel the difference between me and my mask though. There's still that gap that separates my childish innocence with my darker side. Only two people have really seen the majority of what's under my mask, but I couldn't say who has seen more. Both people have seen different parts of me that the other has not.
Some commentary now on what has recently happened to me.
So I've added some faggots named Yukarin and Reimu Hakurei. They both seem like pretty cool dudes. They both seem to be pretty awesome in their own respect too. I wonder what's under their mask? As they would know though from first hand experience, I'm not good at all at meeting new people. I'm like mentally retarded in that district.
Me: Hi Reimu
Reimu: Hi
Me: ...uh... (Sweats) GIVE ME HALF OF YOUR SOUL.
Reimu: no
Me: Oh okay.. that's cool.
Anyway though I simply hope to get to know these two better. They seem interesting and they don't irritate me. (If your voice or the way you act irritates me expect me to treat you like a child.)
I've been getting sick as of recent. Not like pukey sense but stomach sense. I think I like contracted Crim's disease off the internet somehow. But somehow I'm getting the reverse effect of it (You can go figure it out yourself).
So I've talked to my old mate via yahoo a couple times (THAT EXACT AMOUNT). As you would have probably figured, it's definitely not the same. It's.. .weird. I re-added her because I thought I could somehow attain some old comfort because it's familliar. Definitely not... it just sort of feels.. awkward. I mean I think we talk like how we did back in the day but it feels so hollow. Like before I talked with pieces of my mask off but now it's just. Well it's completely on. I refuse to show a single piece of my face with her. I don't even think she knows anything that's happening in my personal life. At all. Like zero. I mean sure it's expected but it sort of.. saddens me. Here's someone who knows so many secrets of me yet I cannot bring myself back to feeling that same old trust we had before. You could say that it's natural because I feel like she betrayed that trust but you'd only be half right. A large part of me hates her for what happened but at the same time the majority of me blames myself. This isn't helped by my identity crisis. I don't know.. I just.. I feel like I have no one I can trust or relate to anymore without being used (Or me using them).
Truly feeling alone
But...
Remembering to Smile. :)
Nob.
P.S. And a second picture because this post was dreadfully long.
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