On Betraying Those That Trust You. (And a bit more!)

This isn't aimed at anyone in particular. It's just how I feel on the subject when I do it.

I've betrayed (I feel) enough people in my lifetime.. yet I continue to hurt people. I'm a bit deprived of sleep at the moment so you know, bare with me.

I find some joy in it.

Odd..

Rest assured I dislike doing it but there's just some.. charm to it. I blame the media for making me romanticize the subject but it's strange really. I think I usually see the world through a camera. Much akin to Shakespeares 'All the world is a stage and the people in it are its players....' It just adds.. spice to life. Some.. moment to it. Like you're actually living life rather than letting it drift by. I mean I still try to avoid betraying people because its long term effects still fuck over its short term effects.

A lot of my 'sayings' and quotes are usually the result of me actually feeling that way. One of my older quotes was, "You're only sorry because you got caught.". That was sometimes the case for me. I didn't particularly care for the other parties goals, I just wanted to further my own. Isn't that humanity in general though? We all just want to further our own goals for our next dose of euphoria whether it's at the cost of another or not.

Anyway aside from betraying people, in regards to the pictures I've been posting I've decided that it's just going to be Rumia from now on mostly because her life is more or less the one I want/live through. You can find out for yourself what I mean by that.

Good day and let's not forget...

Remember to Smile my chaps.

The Idea of Hopelessness

I've lost a lot of my once bright hope. Feels like everybody is dying around me. Once good people dying out and fading away. You know the good stuff.

Myself? Well, I know I can become a great mathematician but- oh ooo butterfly...

That.

Easily distracted. Apathy. I'm not happy. I'm working towards a goal so I can escape this world into a world full of.. formulas and bs. Something that is not familliar. But what's the point? It doesn't make me as happy as say video games with friends. Or talking with friends. I mean I don't want to help a society I don't support nor have any faith in (In its future). I suppose moving into another country would help (which I plan to do) but I don't know.. I just doubt it would work out the way I want it to.

I guess that's it then. I mostly don't belong and the people who I can relate to are mostly fading away because in some sense we're all considered monsters I think. I think that's alright though. It's somewhat comforting that all monsters will die and society won't have to deal with its degenerates.

We're all living in a dream world aren't we? Just trying to buy some euphoria before it all comes crashing down. Before reality comes and smashes your face with its sledgehammer. Before we all pass away though, let's have one more indulgence of euphoria shall we my friends? To all the good times we had. To all the simple quirks that made us laugh. To all the simple things that we enjoy. To all the time we have shared. To simply just meeting eachother and facing this shit together. Breathe deeply, because it might be our last.

And remember to smile.

So. Hey Again. I lied.

Smile with me will you? Awhile back I contacted my old mate for the name of a visual novel because I was overdosing on some chemical. Two things:

1)I got my visual novel name so I'm happy about that.
2)She hasn't moved on and her life isn't so great apparently.

Huh. Funny. If anything I thought she would've moved on quicker than me. She's exposed to a lot more bad shit than me so you'd figure she would deal with me leaving juuuust fine. Guess not. While I'm betting her life being shitty is more or less not the result of me leaving, I can't help but rejoice a little. Makes me feel important I suppose. Sure it's in an assholeish way but you know. Can't help what I feel.

Personally I have more or less moved on if you catch my drift. In one sense I'm happy being alone. No one to bother me and I have no one to bother. I'm use to that and it's comforting. In another sense I yearn for a group or at least someone I can relate to (IN REAL LIFE). And another part of that is whenever I tried to hit on other girls because "What the fuck right?", I always seemed to measure them on the OldMate Scale. So I think that tells you how much I moved on. Because I don't really know how much it says. I don't really know what my measurements are. How well I got along with them or how similar they are to her? You tell me because fuck if I know.

I probably should've listened to all the advice I received. "Don't contact her, it's over.", "You have to move on and just never contact her again.", "Don't apologize for that bs you pulled when you last saw her ("I'll probably never see you again.")" but know what? I'm an idiot. 'Sides, all my life as the youngest of three I learned by watching other people make mistakes. Never really made my own so WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT?

Anyway on brighter news from the depressed-o-station, I'm figuring out hard math problems. Fun.

Remember to smile now.

-Nob.

AH SHIT. A BLOG.

Why? I don't know. Felt like it while procrastinating.

Anyway a little insight into my life.

I'm going insane. I'm not going to beg you to believe me but I'll be honest on what is going on with my life. Awhile back while I was eating dinner I began to think. Went deeeeeeep into my thoughts on what happens after death and just tried to 'feel' it in a way. Then it came. Death. Honest to god I felt it and I did not like it. It sort of went down from there.

My life as of the past month has been full of deathly scares from there. My dad going to the hospital, my grandma going to the hospital, my sister's rabbit dying. You know. I'm not superstitious but god damned, that is a bit unnerving.

Oh but the fun does not stop during me being conscious. Oh no my dreams have been haunting me with all my insecurities and my frights. Phobia's and me being unable to escape? Check. Can't find someone who isn't remotely interesting? Check. You know so on so forth. A bit maddening.

University is also fun. It's also especially fun when you're attempting to teach yourself the course because the prof can't teach worth his life. AND THEN THE TEXTBOOK TURNS OUT TO BE FULL OF SHITTY QUALITY. Fun. But hey at least the internet saves the day.

Apart from all the drama in my life I've been trying to turn my social life back into a functioning one. It's sort of working out. I've been tutoring my friend on Calculus 1, joined a math club to make friends and dick around, and I'm hanging out with my old high school friends. It's okay.. It's working out. I'm not the happiest camper in real life but you know I'm getting by.

Internet life is sort of.. dead. I still come on Saturday's to catch up and have fun. It's usually filled with fun and I have a good time. I wish I wasn't constantly pestered every week about my absence though (You know who you are) because seriously it pisses me off.

I'm not looking forward to the future. Specifically Winter. My brother comes back and I'm going to have to deal with his constant far right winged bs. It doesn't help that we got into a fucking fight the first day I arrived in Toronto in the summer because he's having some breakdown. So great fun ahead. I hope that he dies before he actually makes it here because the world would do better without him. But the world sucks and he'll probably make it and act like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED. But whatever right? He's an asshole and I'll have to deal with it because he's 'family'.

As of recent, I've been looking at my past. Full of crap that I regret. I regret that so much I mostly forced myself to forget my childhood. Whenever I look into my own past I just feel pain and anger. Only things I see with a longing nostalgic lens is just old TV Shows and Video Games.

I hope that my depressing blog has brightened your day because my misery tends to cause euphoria somehow. Remember to smile.