Irrelevance

Apologies for not posting on Sunday.. I didn't have much to talk about.

Anyway.. yeah I'm back. I've learned a lot since my hiatus. There's a lot to it but.. In short I learned to love my friends almost to death. I missed them deeply and I learned they did mean a lot to me and I would hate to see them leave my life. That's the gist of it though.. I won't embelish it.

Anyway what's with the title? A lot has happened since I've come back. Almost too much. Though I feel irrelevant, I know I'm not to my friends. I don't know why but since I've come back I feel like I've been lied to and betrayed so much by those I love. I haven't at all been betrayed. I don't know what's causing me to feel this way but it's tearing me apart and my friendships.

I feel irrelevant. No longer important. It brings back memories... when I was still friends with my Old Mate. If you all didn't know I had a crush on her and it ran deep. Everyday I felt useless.. pointless.. used. That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. I know I'm not but still. I can't help what I'm feeling. But.. if there's one thing I learned so far is that times have changed and I must adapt. The path I've been following on.. it's been so beautiful and it helped me so much but its golden days are over.. I have to change to my new environment and destroy my darkest shadows that to this day continue to haunt me.

It's a short post but... I have an exam today so I have to study.

With much love and glad to be back...

And Remembering to Smile..

Nob

The Ignorance That Could Have Been Bliss

Featuring our lovely friend, Koishi. (On relation to the picture, it was fucking hard to find a decent of fucking Koishi and Rumia that were in the same picture that did not involve one sleeping on another's head)

And no, sorry crim, I'm not talking about you.

For a long time, I noticed things about myself. Specifically.. I can sort of understand my own subconscious (Hi Koishi) or why I do things. God damn it.. knowing this shit should help me in life. It should prevent me from saying things I know I'll regret but.. God damn it. I let a lot of hints and shit out of my mouth that I don't mean to express but I know what it is. I've said things.. maybe curious and seemingly innocent things but I realise what I truly want out of it.. God damn it. Sometimes I wish I never heard of the concept of a unconscious because I more or less can interpret my own I think..

As an example... I use to act so.. weird and sexual before ("DICKS", "DICKS ON A TRAIN", etc) (At least.. I'm a bit different now) because well.. I'm wondering if I was obsessed with the idea of sex (Freud!) and wanted to talk about it deeply? I mean.. whenever people did play along I would start to act disgusted with the act. Of course I do this because they don't actually want to get sexual, they just want a good laugh and shit. But me.. my conscious tells me it's for the sake of thrills and laughs but my subconscious.. If I interpret this right it's because I don't want to be associated with a pervert and I must act like a true gentleman.. despite me wanting to talk about sex so says my unconscious. Seriously what? It tells me to get sexual and then back away before it's too late? Am I right I wonder... Am I spot on about my own instinctual motives...?

Sometimes.. I'm almost sure I am a prime example of Freud. I mean.. honestly? I repressed myself sexually to hell and for awhile now, I've always wondered... I don't know.. I know I'm putting myself in great risk and changing my relationships but.. fuck.. for the sake of science right? /sigh..

To everyone relevant.. I'm sorry.. really.. I'm sorry for expressing my sexual and perverted nature unconsciously. I'm almost sure this is the case... I'll try to improve my own control over my own mind and body because really.. that's all I can do.

Why did I make this post? I'm almost sure my unconscious today just.. acted out at someone. Who the person is though, I'll keep their identity a secret. But yeah.. simply...if I could right now.. I would tell them I'm so sorry.. Like the same to every one of you.

Fuck.

I'm so ashamed of myself right now....

But hey... again...

Remembering to Smile and begging all of you for forgiveness...

Nob

AWW YEAH. LAPTOP POST OF LIES.

Ahoy hoy. Posting from a shitty laptop running an outdated Ubuntu with only 30 min of laptop remaining! (Full battery too!) But yeah.. I'm going fucking insane without seeing anyone (Except Sam). Schools been.. more or less the same. I'm not working any harder nor any .. less harder. Had a German test today and I think I did good. Fucked up here and there but yeah.. These past few days... Sammantha has been the only one keeping me sane because texting her is great fun.

"MEOW! I'M A CAT SAMMANTHA"
"No."
"I'm a cat! Meow!"
"No you are a dale."
"Meow! I'm a cat sammantha!"
"ACKNWOLEDGE ME SAMMANTHA! MEOW!"

yep.. just mostly bothering her but I don't know.. it has made me appreciate having friends.. really.. A couple nights ago I remember having flashbacks to my childhood. (If you know me I really hate my childhood..) It was kind of shitty because it's like you spend your entire teenage life and adult life trying to forget this shit then BAM. Everything fucking comes back to you in one night and everything you tried to do is fucked forever. Fuck. But point is I had no close friends as a kid (Friends but none of them close) and this entire two week hiatus pretty much brings back bad memories.

It also pisses me off that I emailed a pretty important email to someone and they don't even have the fucking courtesy to respond.. or at least say something. You know who you are.

But yeah.. does this blog post from my laptop mean I'm saying fucking my hiatus? Not really. It's not like I can do anything on this piece of shit anyway. Regardless, I have to wake up early tomorrow (6 hours from now) to study for my exams which are coming up. So to wrap things up...

I miss you all and I hope to have happy hug time when I come back.

Also big fucking thanks to Sammantha. Seriously... you're keeping me alive here (No joke yo). SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER SEE HER TELL HER, "DALE SAYS THANKS" and she'll be like "I FUCKING KNOW. THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN TOLD TO ME LIKE 15 TIMES BY EVERYONE ELSE AND HIM" and then you'll be like, "YA WEENY" and then she'll be like "FUCK YOU" and she'll block you for long time and I'll be like awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwyeaaaaaaaaaah. (Seriously, boredom, loneliness, and being tired makes you do this shit.)

Anyway in all seriousness again, I miss you all and just one more week (kind of) until I get back. Though the day I get back the very next day I have an exam... lol. HILARITY SHALL ENSUE IN THIS BITCH. Anyway again..

Remember to Smile,

Nob

P.s. why does everyone call me by my first name Dale? JUST CALL ME BY MY WEB NAME, EGO. FUCK. Or Rumia if you're a touhou conninseur. Or Nob if you enjoy the sight of me being depressed but that's only if you're weird. I suppose people like calling me Dale because well.. how many Asian Dale's do you see walking around? And my name does rhyme (Regretably) with a lot of things. (I swear if I start seeing you assholes rhyming Dale and Fail Dale is going to get up in your bich and rape your dog so he can ship it to hong kong or some shit). I don't know. I like it but at the same time I don't. It's along the lines of, "Call me that only if you're a close friend or have known me for a long time, (Crim, Shmoo, Chat, Sam, Mike). Otherwise call me by my web name. Dicks.

One Last Post

What's with the image spam you say? They're all important to me in their own way. They have no specific order.. but I will explain them in a minute.

It feels like I'm about to die. I'm cutting myself off from the one last bit of euphoria I'm able to extract from life. My friends, my video games, my articles, my comics.. so on so forth. I don't know why I'm doing this fully but.. a lot has happened in this short amount of time. I've made a lot of new friends and I've.. changed a lot. For the better I think. I've come into a bit of a conflict over my identity though so.. hey.. let's get started with the main attraction about what I was going to write about.

My identity.

Let's begin with the alien maid, 3M is her name I believe. She sort of.. represented my time when I didn't know that much about the world. I was optimistic and haven't experienced much. Bright and hopeful, I adventured into the world with bright expectations. Man.. were they brought down. She was my avatar when I was The Alter Ego.

After some stupid names in between, I became DrStrangEgo. The identity most people know me by. The avatar Dr Strangelove represented me at this time because I loved the movie and I wanted to be just like Dr Strangelove. Though instead, I became a cynic and I was sarcastic to hell. I made fun of people (On a joking base of course) and was overall.. mean spirited. Though I did care for the people I abused though. I just had a fucked up way of showing it. I still had some hope in my future though and was overall.. content. Not great but content.

The plague doctor represents my old name, The Refined Facade. Though it didn't last long, it more or less represented my transition into becoming NobodyButNob. He was basically the fallout of my hopes dying horribly in one respect and some in another.

Shit happens and death does too. As everyone around me fell and when I began to do shit in university I became severely.. really severely depressed. I became NobodyButNob. The wing representing me feeling like I was in freefall. I was unhappy and I felt like I hit rock bottom and just wanted someone to pull me up with their wings. This stage more or less represents my suicidal tendancies and overall depression.

And now I'm here.. as PolskiRumia.While I'm still down there and unhappy.. You know.. I'm becoming better. The tendancies of NobodyButNob has worn off and some people helped me in ways I never expected them to. I'm at this stage now.. and well.. I'm becoming happier. But.. at the same time.. I've fallen into an identity crisis during this stage. The Alter Ego, DrStrangEgo, and NobodyButNob. They all had a clear identity. That was me. PolskiRumia.. PolskiRumia.. who are you..? She.. isn't me I think. She's an identity I've created. I'm.. not her. I don't act like her at all in rl...  I mean.. jesus... I've become pathetic in some ways I think by creating this character.. I mean.. I'm acting in ways now that I would have never. I feel like.. I'm constantly rping as her. Wearing another facade.... I don't know.. maybe we'll become one one day and we'll be united. Maybe I'll become a very social person in rl and hug people constantly like I do now.. Maybe.. I don't know.

Before leaving... I made my avatar Dr Strangelove again. A big part of me would want to return to being him again since I've grown so use to being DrStrangEgo and that's who I was known by by most of you. Plus it was the purest form of me being me. But.. I can't return. Like all things, everything must come to an end.. Much like a chapter, or an era, or a dynasty, I don't care. Me leaving is an end to a chapter of my life. Who I will return as is a mystery to everyone and me. Maybe I'll re emerge as DrStrangEgo.. maybe as NobodyButNob.. or maybe I'll stay as PolskiRumia. Only time will tell.

I'm sorry about the bad writing this time around but I'm really tired and it's 6:30am right now... But.. hey... if you managed to read this far.. simply thanks for hearing me out.

Remembering to smile for one last time,

Nob.

The Long March

Evening viewers, another entry.

If I haven't told you already, I'll tell you now. Starting Sunday I don't plan to go on the computer for 2 weeks so I'll be MIA for awhile. Hopefully we can play some vidyagames before then. Why you ask? It's sort of a bet with my father and me wanting to see my steam rating go to 0. He wanted to see if I could last a day without my computer and I just thought, "That's easy. You know what? I haven't seen my Steam rating be 0 in a long time so let's do 2 weeks!" Regardless it proves to my dad I'm not addicted (Though I'm sure I am) to the computer. I'll probably post one last entry on Saturday before leaving and how I feel.

In other news, I think I want to take some violin lessons. I don't really know why but I'm almost sure it has something to do with Touhou. Seriously, the music in it is wonderful. Though I'm almost sure I'm too old to actually become really good at it, it could be a hobby you know? 'Sides, it's a life skill. Maybe it could save my life or woo some damsel right? Heh.

In response to Rio, tbh I never thought my blog would be that popular. While I'm almost sure it's not as popular as Crim's, really I only expected like 3 readers. And here I am sitting with about..50 views in one week? I don't know if that is someone constantly checking my blog or whatever but yeah. I don't know, I think a lot of my viewership comes from me being quiet about how I feel about things and mostly never displaying my opinion (I'm almost certain this is true). But in all honesty, I couldn't say why. Misery loves company I suppose? Heh.

How do I feel right now? I'm okay. Only okay though. Status quo I guess you could say. I'm past my happy point and back into my normal depressive self but as said, I'm okay. I'm alive. My exams are coming soon so the 2 week bs will be useful. Unless I spend my suddenly extra free time just sleeping, then I'm in trouble. My insomnia is also working again.  A fun fact about me. I have insomnia because I'm afraid to go to bed. Odd yeah but... hey. I'm afraid because of my dreams.. and just seeing the next day is hard in itself. I'm constantly worried about my future and the nightmares are horrid. I don't know.. I'll be sleepy as hell tomorrow and I have to stay for awhile after school to go to my Math Club.. or maybe I'll skip it tomorrow.. I don't know. I just have a craving for sushi atm. Seriously, that's probably going to be my new addiction or something ughh. AND THEN WHEN I COME BACK TO THE COMPUTER, IT'LL BE SUSHI AND COMPUTER TIME. FUN.

Anyway... that's pretty much it..  I hope I get to play some vidya games with you people soon and until then, see ya Saturday. (Also it's fucking cold in Manitoba atm. Ugh. Seriously we get like the coldest winters and one of the hottest summers in Canda. +35's and -35's... OH YEAAAAAAAH).

Remembering to smile,

Nob.

Bright and Unusual

I've been thinking again (Christ I've been posting a lot). As of recent I've had more dosages of euphoria and.. I don't know. I noticed more closely my appreciation for my friends. Online of course. (I don't have anymore in rl really. Being a loner somehow runs in my family.)

Just thanks. (And yeah I'm totally plagiarizing but fuck it) You're probably the closest thing to a family I have right now. Though I don't really have much to live for anymore, I'm happy right now to be around you people. Even if we don't talk, it's still nice just to see your DP on my friends list.

Though personally, I find this post somewhat strange. /shrug/ Perhaps it's the acceptance phase of my really... really long cycle of grief. Though I think I've already hit this stage plenty of times. Speaking of which there's a nice coating of snow outside. Really fucking cold but... hey. I love winter. I even love shoveling snow. I love everything about winter.. it's peaceful.

Though there's not much to update in my life right now, again, this is just a thanks to my friends.

Remembering to Smile,

Nob

Collecting the Pieces of my Sanity

Hi again. I'm really tired and I need some sleep but I felt like talking to you again. I don't know why I keep coming back to you. Maybe it's because you're the only one willing to listen and it's the only time when I can take my mask off and let everything out. I don't see much point to living anymore I'm still sticking to that yeah but... I don't know... how did I ever reach that conclusion? I'm having second thoughts because I'm scared.

I am scared.

I'm scared of lots of things... death being one of them though I hate admitting that.

I think I reached that conclusion simply because I just don't get enough euphoria from the things I found enjoyment in anymore and I'm deathly afraid of failing. I don't know... I feel like I can't talk to anyone but you. I think I'll mimic Crim's family thing because I'm sure you are dying to know how I feel about you and everyone else and I don't really have much to say. Really, I just felt like talking to someone but no one else was around.

Let's start with my dad. My dad is a great guy... really he is... but I don't know... he's sort of the one who implemented the deathly fear of failing sort of thing... that's good I suppose but... I don't know.. I take after him quite a bit. Even in looks and voice apparently. Heh.

Mother is a fun person. A bit too caring though. She constantly worries about everything and she isn't the smartest but... you know at least she cares. A loving mother is what everyone wants right...? Right...?

Sister is a bit stupid at times too but you know she's nice person to be around in the end. Though I'm not always nice to her I do care about her even when I don't show it. Even when we get into fights you know, I'm still somewhat caring.

'Brother'... an asshole.

Now time for the people you were all awaiting for..

Crim... well you're a great person.... you've done a lot for me and I thank you for that. You really are my best friend in the end though (And please don't take offense) that makes me sad. It really does say a lot since I don't have anymore friends in real life. Nobody but me, Nob. Nobody I can relate to... etc etc... I remember that one time I actually liked you. How young was I? Man I was foolish but even then you know, if you asked me now I would say "Fuck yeah I love you ya fucking cunt!" Heh. A lot has changed since then and I think our friendship has matured quite a bit. What has that matured to though..? I.. I... don't know.. I don't know what to actually consider you anymore. I mean I don't love you and I do see you as an older sister but... I don't know.. we just.. never talk anymore. I mean whenever we talk it's just stupid small talk. Oh hey look at this link or hey let's play this game (But even then that rarely happens anymore) and it's just.. I don't know.... It's weird really. I feel like we've grown apart but at the same time we've grown closer... I don't know.. I think it's because even to this day, I don't know much about you yet you know so much.. a lot... too much maybe even about me. I.. what am I to you? What are you to me..? I can't even answer that anymore. I don't know what you are to me. What the fuck are you you robotic piece of shit? What are you? Why..?


Shmoopy.. god you know you remind me of snoopy.. Sometimes you irritate me to no end and sometimes you bring me a lot of joy where it is rarely found. What an odd relationship I must say but I don't know. Really I'm sorry for worrying you a fuckload... and I'm sorry.. I know I've done a lot of bad things to you. I know that. I don't have an excuse really. You're a great guy really... you know that? I don't know... I'm just.. sorry.

Hi Sam, how are you? God damned you know you act really childish at times... but that's cute of you. Usually I hate kids but you? Well I wouldn't say I can't get enough of you since that'd be a fucking lie. Infact sometimes I just get fucking irritated as hell with you since you can't shut up. But that's part of your charm really I think. I don't know why I like you, I just do. You're a nice person and that's that. You worry too much too at times lol.

Chattikus. Sup? I still remember you as IDontChat. The guy who fucking refused to do medieval rp's and only did futuristic ones in starcraft. At first I thought you were a punkass kid but you know I found your charm. And I grew to love it. You really are a one of a kind person. Don't fucking change you fagt because I fucking love you.

Hi Michael.... I wonder if you read this..? Regardless hi. I... you know you're a good guy really... I mean you were really stupid at first when I met you but you know, you've grown and matured. I know we don't talk as much as we use to but.. just know that I'm hoping one day we'll talk again and become good friends again.. and fucking play civilization 5 again because it's just sitting on my steam games rotting.

Hi Kira. I.. I feel like I've used you.. used you a lot.. I'm sorry about that... I'm.. honestly sorry.... You know you were the first pubber I never really introduced to my other friends. You're a great guy. I actually look at you like a little brother sometimes since I feel like you've crossed my path and I've crossed yours so many times. I just hope you don't follow my same path.. you're also a smart guy. I mean you're a shitty writer but you know, people with an interest in this world is hard to come by and I'm thankful for meeting you. You're a great guy again, keep improving.

And last but definitely not least and I'm almost sure he doesn't read my blog...

Snake. Hi. How are you? I.. I don't know. I'm still fucking cautious around you. I know we're both on eachothers friends list but.. IDFK. I know I'm the one who's keeping us apart but I'm still fucking bleh as hell. I don't think our relationship will ever be restored honestly. And yes I know that's because of me. Honestly I don't know, I don't see much point in having you on my friends list. It's not like we ever talk or play games anymore so... yeah. Speaking of what was just said WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON MY FRIENDS LIST RIO? (No not you Ryou. You're not Mexican)

And now onto real life people but we all know there's only one person that's actually noteworthy.

You Audrey. Hi... do you even read my blog? Sometimes I think you do sometimes I think you don't. I don't know... I know I re-added you and shit but... I mean I don't know.. I don't even know if I enjoy talking to you anymore... I mean sure I'm the one who always starts up conversations but.. I don't even know what I'm doing.. At times I'm sort of.. bleh around you and want to sort of see you in real life again but at other times I just want to fucking get as far away as possible from you. Honestly.. I think I should be apologising to you. I readded you since I was doing it for my own selfish reasons. I just wanted someone to talk to.. an extra voice.. I didn't really see you as a human when I readded you. I just.. I don't know actually.. That might not be completely true.. a million emotions went through my brain when I readded you. I.. I don't know.. At the moment I'm actually hoping that we'll never talk again but we both know that to be completely untrue and that won't happen. I.. I don't know what I want to do with you. I don't have anything to do with you I suppose... What do you think of me being on your friends list? Am I helping you? Why am I here?

And that's it... I don't have much else to say... thanks for listening to me.. it's great to have someone to talk to... always...

Remembering to smile,

Nob