What's with the image spam you say? They're all important to me in their own way. They have no specific order.. but I will explain them in a minute.
It feels like I'm about to die. I'm cutting myself off from the one last bit of euphoria I'm able to extract from life. My friends, my video games, my articles, my comics.. so on so forth. I don't know why I'm doing this fully but.. a lot has happened in this short amount of time. I've made a lot of new friends and I've.. changed a lot. For the better I think. I've come into a bit of a conflict over my identity though so.. hey.. let's get started with the main attraction about what I was going to write about.
My identity.
Let's begin with the alien maid, 3M is her name I believe. She sort of.. represented my time when I didn't know that much about the world. I was optimistic and haven't experienced much. Bright and hopeful, I adventured into the world with bright expectations. Man.. were they brought down. She was my avatar when I was The Alter Ego.
After some stupid names in between, I became DrStrangEgo. The identity most people know me by. The avatar Dr Strangelove represented me at this time because I loved the movie and I wanted to be just like Dr Strangelove. Though instead, I became a cynic and I was sarcastic to hell. I made fun of people (On a joking base of course) and was overall.. mean spirited. Though I did care for the people I abused though. I just had a fucked up way of showing it. I still had some hope in my future though and was overall.. content. Not great but content.
The plague doctor represents my old name, The Refined Facade. Though it didn't last long, it more or less represented my transition into becoming NobodyButNob. He was basically the fallout of my hopes dying horribly in one respect and some in another.
Shit happens and death does too. As everyone around me fell and when I began to do shit in university I became severely.. really severely depressed. I became NobodyButNob. The wing representing me feeling like I was in freefall. I was unhappy and I felt like I hit rock bottom and just wanted someone to pull me up with their wings. This stage more or less represents my suicidal tendancies and overall depression.
And now I'm here.. as PolskiRumia.While I'm still down there and unhappy.. You know.. I'm becoming better. The tendancies of NobodyButNob has worn off and some people helped me in ways I never expected them to. I'm at this stage now.. and well.. I'm becoming happier. But.. at the same time.. I've fallen into an identity crisis during this stage. The Alter Ego, DrStrangEgo, and NobodyButNob. They all had a clear identity. That was me. PolskiRumia.. PolskiRumia.. who are you..? She.. isn't me I think. She's an identity I've created. I'm.. not her. I don't act like her at all in rl... I mean.. jesus... I've become pathetic in some ways I think by creating this character.. I mean.. I'm acting in ways now that I would have never. I feel like.. I'm constantly rping as her. Wearing another facade.... I don't know.. maybe we'll become one one day and we'll be united. Maybe I'll become a very social person in rl and hug people constantly like I do now.. Maybe.. I don't know.
Before leaving... I made my avatar Dr Strangelove again. A big part of me would want to return to being him again since I've grown so use to being DrStrangEgo and that's who I was known by by most of you. Plus it was the purest form of me being me. But.. I can't return. Like all things, everything must come to an end.. Much like a chapter, or an era, or a dynasty, I don't care. Me leaving is an end to a chapter of my life. Who I will return as is a mystery to everyone and me. Maybe I'll re emerge as DrStrangEgo.. maybe as NobodyButNob.. or maybe I'll stay as PolskiRumia. Only time will tell.
I'm sorry about the bad writing this time around but I'm really tired and it's 6:30am right now... But.. hey... if you managed to read this far.. simply thanks for hearing me out.
Remembering to smile for one last time,
Nob.
I don't think it's a bad thing that you've grown accustomed to Rumia, and I don't think you're roleplaying either, although I haven't really seen you. I just think it's a very human reaction and it's quite normal for a being to move on and readjust to a newer environment. It's probably the amount of euphoria as of late in your life that caused this apparent change, and since you're not used to it, you have a hard time seeing yourself as it.
ReplyDeleteI have recently seen the way I changed as well, although I'm most of the time still an asshole I used to be, I'm much more understanding, definitely less childish, not much, but less, and most of all I've experienced a lot of things.
Don't treat every change you undergo as bad, rather, embrace this new sensation and give it a try, see how it goes.