I am scared.
I'm scared of lots of things... death being one of them though I hate admitting that.
I think I reached that conclusion simply because I just don't get enough euphoria from the things I found enjoyment in anymore and I'm deathly afraid of failing. I don't know... I feel like I can't talk to anyone but you. I think I'll mimic Crim's family thing because I'm sure you are dying to know how I feel about you and everyone else and I don't really have much to say. Really, I just felt like talking to someone but no one else was around.
Let's start with my dad. My dad is a great guy... really he is... but I don't know... he's sort of the one who implemented the deathly fear of failing sort of thing... that's good I suppose but... I don't know.. I take after him quite a bit. Even in looks and voice apparently. Heh.
Mother is a fun person. A bit too caring though. She constantly worries about everything and she isn't the smartest but... you know at least she cares. A loving mother is what everyone wants right...? Right...?
Sister is a bit stupid at times too but you know she's nice person to be around in the end. Though I'm not always nice to her I do care about her even when I don't show it. Even when we get into fights you know, I'm still somewhat caring.
'Brother'... an asshole.
Now time for the people you were all awaiting for..
Crim... well you're a great person.... you've done a lot for me and I thank you for that. You really are my best friend in the end though (And please don't take offense) that makes me sad. It really does say a lot since I don't have anymore friends in real life. Nobody but me, Nob. Nobody I can relate to... etc etc... I remember that one time I actually liked you. How young was I? Man I was foolish but even then you know, if you asked me now I would say "Fuck yeah I love you ya fucking cunt!" Heh. A lot has changed since then and I think our friendship has matured quite a bit. What has that matured to though..? I.. I... don't know.. I don't know what to actually consider you anymore. I mean I don't love you and I do see you as an older sister but... I don't know.. we just.. never talk anymore. I mean whenever we talk it's just stupid small talk. Oh hey look at this link or hey let's play this game (But even then that rarely happens anymore) and it's just.. I don't know.... It's weird really. I feel like we've grown apart but at the same time we've grown closer... I don't know.. I think it's because even to this day, I don't know much about you yet you know so much.. a lot... too much maybe even about me. I.. what am I to you? What are you to me..? I can't even answer that anymore. I don't know what you are to me. What the fuck are you you robotic piece of shit? What are you? Why..?
Shmoopy.. god you know you remind me of snoopy.. Sometimes you irritate me to no end and sometimes you bring me a lot of joy where it is rarely found. What an odd relationship I must say but I don't know. Really I'm sorry for worrying you a fuckload... and I'm sorry.. I know I've done a lot of bad things to you. I know that. I don't have an excuse really. You're a great guy really... you know that? I don't know... I'm just.. sorry.
Hi Sam, how are you? God damned you know you act really childish at times... but that's cute of you. Usually I hate kids but you? Well I wouldn't say I can't get enough of you since that'd be a fucking lie. Infact sometimes I just get fucking irritated as hell with you since you can't shut up. But that's part of your charm really I think. I don't know why I like you, I just do. You're a nice person and that's that. You worry too much too at times lol.
Chattikus. Sup? I still remember you as IDontChat. The guy who fucking refused to do medieval rp's and only did futuristic ones in starcraft. At first I thought you were a punkass kid but you know I found your charm. And I grew to love it. You really are a one of a kind person. Don't fucking change you fagt because I fucking love you.
Hi Michael.... I wonder if you read this..? Regardless hi. I... you know you're a good guy really... I mean you were really stupid at first when I met you but you know, you've grown and matured. I know we don't talk as much as we use to but.. just know that I'm hoping one day we'll talk again and become good friends again.. and fucking play civilization 5 again because it's just sitting on my steam games rotting.
Hi Kira. I.. I feel like I've used you.. used you a lot.. I'm sorry about that... I'm.. honestly sorry.... You know you were the first pubber I never really introduced to my other friends. You're a great guy. I actually look at you like a little brother sometimes since I feel like you've crossed my path and I've crossed yours so many times. I just hope you don't follow my same path.. you're also a smart guy. I mean you're a shitty writer but you know, people with an interest in this world is hard to come by and I'm thankful for meeting you. You're a great guy again, keep improving.
And last but definitely not least and I'm almost sure he doesn't read my blog...
Snake. Hi. How are you? I.. I don't know. I'm still fucking cautious around you. I know we're both on eachothers friends list but.. IDFK. I know I'm the one who's keeping us apart but I'm still fucking bleh as hell. I don't think our relationship will ever be restored honestly. And yes I know that's because of me. Honestly I don't know, I don't see much point in having you on my friends list. It's not like we ever talk or play games anymore so... yeah. Speaking of what was just said WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON MY FRIENDS LIST RIO? (No not you Ryou. You're not Mexican)
And now onto real life people but we all know there's only one person that's actually noteworthy.
You Audrey. Hi... do you even read my blog? Sometimes I think you do sometimes I think you don't. I don't know... I know I re-added you and shit but... I mean I don't know.. I don't even know if I enjoy talking to you anymore... I mean sure I'm the one who always starts up conversations but.. I don't even know what I'm doing.. At times I'm sort of.. bleh around you and want to sort of see you in real life again but at other times I just want to fucking get as far away as possible from you. Honestly.. I think I should be apologising to you. I readded you since I was doing it for my own selfish reasons. I just wanted someone to talk to.. an extra voice.. I didn't really see you as a human when I readded you. I just.. I don't know actually.. That might not be completely true.. a million emotions went through my brain when I readded you. I.. I don't know.. At the moment I'm actually hoping that we'll never talk again but we both know that to be completely untrue and that won't happen. I.. I don't know what I want to do with you. I don't have anything to do with you I suppose... What do you think of me being on your friends list? Am I helping you? Why am I here?
And that's it... I don't have much else to say... thanks for listening to me.. it's great to have someone to talk to... always...
Remembering to smile,
Nob
Welp, I'm not even sure if you read my last comment, I'm also not sure if you'll read this one, but what do I have left but to go ahead and try, right?
ReplyDeleteYou have a solid amount of people around you, people that, even though they might not always show it, care about you. Sure, life is a harsh mistress, shit can suck and all of that, I know that feeling, but if I were to agree to the stuff you say I wouldn't be of much help anyway, now would I?
I'm sure you've heard this plenty of times, but look on the bright side of life. Maybe people don't talk to you a lot, maybe they don't always think about you, but that doesn't mean they simply don't care. There's a nice saying going "You don't know what you have unless you lose it." and it doesn't get any more true than that. If you were to suddenly disappear, don't you think all of your friends would worry "Where that motherfucker at?"
I'm not surprised you haven't mentioned me in this post, I mean, what am I to you but a stranger, right? I mean, I'm not saying I'm not a little hurt about the fact that you didn't, but it's perfectly understandable, especially because of the fact that you're still afraid that I will only cause unnecessary drama. I lost a great deal of people as of late and I think it's anything but hard to understand that I'm merely clinging to a person that feels the way I do.
I'm hoping things work out for you, and I'm also hoping we'll have a chance to talk again.
Well I did read the last comment you made and to say the least you did shit a bit early. Regardless I did read it and I was thinking of telling you to fuck off but whatever. I honestly have nothing to say to you about the last comment. Though the blog says a lot about me and my inner psyche it's not like it's completely and fully me in this blog. Regardless, yes I didn't mention you. As you said you're pretty much a stranger to me. You never really affected my life to the degree these people have in the sense of directly affected me.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I have heard it thousands of times. But know what? As said in one of my previous posts, I'm sick of that desire for euphoria. Absolutely sick of it. Until you're able to wrap your head around that (And I hope to dear god you don't try), you'll probably never understand me. And you know what? That's for the bloody better. I am a monster and I don't want anyone to pity or sympathize with me in my situation.
Also yes, I know that people care about me. I don't need them to shove it in my face so I know they care. I'm a silent type who prefers to see things through action rather than words and would prefer more things to be quiet.
Regardless, I'm just another body in this world. A body that doesn't really belong where he is and would most likely be considered a monster by most.
Don't sympathize with me, don't pity me, don't help me. I'm tired... I really am..
Regardless, though, it's not am matter of choice for me to sympathize with you, and while it's true that you are just another body in this world, you happen to be the body I stumbled upon.
ReplyDeleteNobody can understand one another to the fullest capacity, I wasn't trying to say that, and I know it's impossible, but all I was referring to was the fact that I can relate to what you say. I know how tiring the whole euphoria part, but that is what our lives are built upon. There's thousands of people who look at it the same way you do, and frankly, even I cannot grasp what people have with their lives, and why they can have more fun in the same situation than I can.
But enough of that, with that said, don't you think that even a monster deserves sympathy? I know you don't want it, but that doesn't mean you aren't glad you're getting it. We often cannot decide for ourselves what's best for us, and that what others are for. In solitude we are nothing, it's the community and the ability to commune with others which makes us to what we are.
You can repeat as often as you want that you're a monster, but that will not change my decision that you're someone I can actually relate to in life. I don't wish to get on your nerves, I really don't, and unless you honestly tell me to fuck off, I'll stick around in the background.
I am the copper wires with motors attached that haunt you in your sleep, good sir.
ReplyDeleteQuite frankly I divide people into 3 categories. Fellow Monsters/Beasts/Fairy/Non-Human, those who are inbetween, and humans. As far as I'm concerned I don't want any interaction with humans because I don't quite feel like being hunted. Regardless, I think that my monstrous community is more or less close to being extinct. What do I have to live for? You could go ahead and state, "Repopulate your community." but quite frankly I've lost all hope in my community. The world has hunted us to the brink of extinction and I doubt we could re-emerge as a force to be reckoned with in this day and age.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I'm concerned, we don't belong in this world anymore. As far as I'm concerned, we aren't wanted anymore. Our time has gone and went and we have failed. It's over. I have nothing left to live for. I could continue our fight but... even then I wouldn't have any hope in it.
I consider you a human still. I don't see you as part of the monster community or inbetween.. but that's because I hardly know you. You're free to stay in my den but it's hardly a place for you I think. (And yes, I did read that you can relate to me)
And to you Shade, of course you are. I was about to make some analogy about you constantly spinning in my mind but I don't quite feel like flirting at the moment.